I was sitting and thinking today that if I had asked my partner's exes for a reference, would I have still gotten into a relationship with him? Then I realized that they would give me their truth of how the relationship went. What I mean by “their truth” is that most people have a truth based on their perception of the experience.
Don’t understand? Have you heard the saying “There are two sides to every story”? Sadly, in all of my years, I have found that statement very true for both sides have a different perception of the story and that perception is based on some fact attached to a dash of emotion and a splash of the need to satisfy one’s self-worth.
You see, most people have “their truth” and there aren’t many people who know how to tell the whole truth. That’s because most people haven’t been taught how. You see, to understand how to tell the “whole truth” you need to understand that it is a circle which consists of effective communication, complete honesty with oneself, complete honesty with the other person, listening to the other person, explaining your side without ego, understanding their point (even if it isn’t yours), and finally coming to an amicable resolution that is fair, clearly communicated, understood and agreed upon.
The “whole truth” is so powerful that it leaves both sides with a deep understanding of not only themselves, but of the other person as well.
The second point of the Partner Reference is to understand ourselves: What if we treated our partners the way we treated a job that we enjoyed and didn’t want to lose? What if we treated finding a partner with the same diligence and care that we do with finding our dream job? When we know what job we will find lasting happiness in, we train for it, we build our resume, we send it out only to companies we have researched and understand we are a fit for, we go on an interview and ask questions, present ourselves in a positive light, and once we’ve obtained that job, we work hard to keep it. We show up on time, we communicate, we work to understand what is expected of us.
What if we followed those same steps with our partners? Do you think more people would find their soul mate? When looking for that special someone, the first key to finding them is to know yourself because knowing exactly who you are is your road map to that special someone. Once you know who you are, train for the relationship. Work to understand what makes your relationship work and how you fit into that goal. If communication isn’t one of your strong points, then work on that. If you are controlling, work on that issue and so on. Look for the right person for you. Please understand that you should never get into a relationship hoping to change someone. If that is your mindset, the relationship is most likely doomed.
You know that if you misrepresent yourself when obtaining a job, you take the risk of being let go. It is the same with finding a partner. If you lead someone to believe you are something that you are not, eventually they will find out. Disappointment happens, arguments ensue, and feelings are hurt. So remember, one of the keys to a healthy relationship is that you have to embody what you desire.
Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you truly want. Then when you find someone you love, you work to keep him/her and your relationship. Build the relationship the two of you want together.
Just like your dream job, you have to communicate to get your work done in a satisfactory manner in order to meet deadlines. You have to show up on time, be present, and put your best foot forward to keep that job. It is the same in finding true love and keeping it.
The third part of the Partner Reference is the actual reference part. Would we treat our partners poorly during our time with them if we had to take into consideration of them giving us a reference to find another partner? Would we show them more kindness? Would we participate more when we were with them? Find yourself first, and then look for the right person for you. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Keep in mind your job is logical work, and your relationship is logical and emotional work, and both need your constant attention. Ask yourself if you give your relationship 100% of yourself, your time when you are with them, your love, fidelity, trust, honesty, communication and understanding. If not, get to work, you may need that reference.
Even the easiest relationships take work, make your relationship count.
Peace and Love to the Universe!